It’s Monday around 5PM, and after teaching a full day of school, I am exhausted. With bits of the weekend still lingering on my mind, I make my way into the kitchen to begin prepping my breakfast and lunch shakes for tomorrow.
As I am washing strawberries (that are terribly expensive out of season, but I want them), a leaf blower sounds in the distance. Yoga Pandora plays softly in the background as I decompress from the day.
As I turn to dry my dishes on the seashell dish towel (I will not let go of summer), out of the corner of my eye, I see a flash of a white t-shirt heading down our back steps from off of our deck. I frown but don’t feel at all out of sorts, knowing it is most likely Kern, our handy next-door neighbor.
However, for good measure, I tilt and twist my body by the window so that I can see out into their backyard—just enough so that if it’s not Kern, I’m still hidden. (Come on. I’m not Wonder Woman.) Kern, wearing a white shirt, is now in his backyard, tending to his own lawn. I exhale a small sigh of relief, shrug, and look out at our deck, realizing that he has used the leaf blower to clear the fall leaves that have slightly begun to accumulate.
I smile and go back to the dishes, and after a short time, hear the leaf blower again. When I am finished prepping my food (priorities), I dry my hands and grab a pile of plastic bags to throw into the recycling bin so that I can thank Kern.
Walking down the steps, I see that the deck looks crisp and clean. It even looks like a new row of bricks has been added to the narrow pathway.
“Hey, Kern!” I say cheerfully as I head down the steps.
“Hey, you!” he says, a cigarette dangling from his hand.
“Thanks so much for clearing this off! You’re the best!” I say, tossing the plastic bags into the recycling.
“Hey, no problem,” he says, and we join at the spot where our lawns meet. “I actually wanted to clear the walnuts off. Not safe.”
I realize, in addition to the leaves, the walnuts are gone from our deck.
“Oh my gosh, Kern!” I say, my voice rising. “Thank you!”
“Yeah, awhile back—now, grant it, I had had a few beers—” he begins.
I flick my hand in the air, grinning. “Pssh, I’m sure that had nothing to do with it.”
He smiles and continues, “I was coming down my steps and stepped on a walnut, fell back, and cracked two of my ribs.”
My eyes widen. “Oh, no!” I say as my hands fly to my head. “Ouch!”
Kern, who broke his shoulder falling from his tree while doing yard work last summer, simply waves his hand.
He then points to the row of bricks coming down from the steps. “I put in a new line of bricks,” he says.
Again, my eyes widen. Does this man know how awesome he is? “I was wondering who did that!” I say, indicating I thought maybe our landlord had come and put them in.
He shrugs. “The bricks were sitting off to the side.”
“Actually, I’m glad you put them in because every time I walk over them I get nervous I’m going to trip.”
Kern, recovering from injuries of his own, and I, recovering from a broken foot, have decided we are not leaving the house the first week of July, as that is when we both were injured, and therefore, this line of bricks is a fantastic way to avoid another pressing catastrophe.
We shoot the breeze for a while before going our separate ways. I thank him again and come back inside to where Yoga Pandora is still playing. I begin prepping chicken for dinner to the gentle rhythm of the music.
Today, happiness is being exhausted. Happiness is going through the motions of life, tiredly prepping meals while my neighbor clears the walnuts from our deck and installs a new line of bricks on the ground out of the kindness of his heart. Today, happiness is recognizing the good in others.
I awake with a giant pit in my stomach. At first, it’s hard to identify the feeling, as I am still drowsily hovering between the worlds of sleep and awake. Gradually, though, I become more alert, and the feeling comes harshly into focus.
From experience, I’ve learned that when this sadness overtakes me, it is best to get out of bed and get started with the day. I throw back the covers and make my way to use the bathroom and brush my teeth, trying to ignore how much I miss him.
The sadness creeps over me, an invisible force that has wrapped itself around me, and despite my efforts to change the channel in my mind, the feeling lingers.
Still trying to shake the feeling, I head downstairs to put on a pot of coffee, and as I am filling the pot with water, the tears begin to stream. The early morning sun is beginning to flow through the trees. It is a gorgeous Sunday morning and, yet, inside, I am torn apart.
As the coffee begins to brew, I break down. The tears flow freely, and the feelings of hopelessness and loneliness are amplified. I think about how I have had such a good number of days and how I haven’t felt like this for some time.
But I’m only human. It is a victory that the past few days have been so good.
All of a sudden, my phone buzzes, and I wonder who is texting me this early on a Sunday. The mystery of it is a good distraction.
As I wipe the tears away and get ahold of myself, I pick up my phone. My step-dad has texted my brother, his fianceé, and me, indicating that there is buffalo chicken cooking in the crock pot, and asking whether we would like to come over later for the Eagles game.
All of a sudden, my mood breaks. I heave a sigh of relief as I excitedly text back YES. The coffee pot beeps, and as I pour some into a cup, I realize that this is my joy for the day.
Today, happiness is not being immune to the feeling of missing your ex or wondering why you have to feel the lousy way you do sometimes. These emotions are vital for our own development. To dodge them would be avoiding growing into who we truly are.
Today, for me, happiness is buffalo chicken dip, drinks on the first Football Sunday of the season, and the overwhelmingly comforting feeling of knowing that, no matter what, family will always be there for me.
“Though times it seems
Like I’m coming undone
This walk can often feel lonely
No matter what until this race is won
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found”
It is Friday around 5:30PM, the magical time at the end of the week where the world seems to stop to take a breath as people transition from work mode and head into the weekend. The early evening sunlight pours through the windows as I sit and reflect on these past few days. The song “O’Lord” by Lauren Daigle pops into my head, and I realize that there is a reason. One line in particular.
I will stand my ground.
Fear of the unknown has always gripped and consumed me. My active imagination plays out multiple, often unrealistic, “what if” scenarios. Typically, right before a new school year starts, I feel like a young ballerina about to take the stage who is suddenly engulfed
in stage fright; her heart thuds as she pictures the spotlight blaring in her eyes and the immense crowd of people sitting before her. Of course, one minute into the show, her stage fright melts away as she glides effortlessly into pirouettes across the stage. Likewise, once I meet my students and get settled into the year, those nerves float away. But that initial time before school starts when my fear of the unknown is heightened can be stressful and intimidating.
This year, however, I find that the night before school starts, I feel oddly at peace. Thinking about the day ahead does not even incite a flutter of nerves. I feel excited. I feel ready. Usually, my stomach is queasy, and all I can do is tell myself that this time tomorrow the unknown will be known.
I wake up that morning to the smell of coffee (thank you, Brittany) and confidently, yet still sleepily, pour myself a cup. Later, when the homeroom bell rings and students begin to flow down the hallway, I feel confident. The jitters and butterflies that would usually be at an all-time high at this moment seem to have traveled elsewhere.
I stand outside of my classroom door (with my coffee in hand, of course) and animatedly greet my students with “Good morning, good morning, good morning” as they walk into the classroom in groups of twos and threes. The show has begun, and there isn’t the slightest flicker of anxiety.
“Find your schedule and have a seat,” I cheerfully say as they walk in. As of now, they are simply new to me. I can’t match names with faces. I don’t know what their personalities are like. But the show continues to play, and I float across the stage.
I will stand my ground.
Now, as I sit at my dining room table and reflect on the past few days, I realize that the calm I so differently experienced this year was a direct result of the pain and heartache from the break-up that I had previously endured. I had to find new levels of myself, had to reach in and dig deep to overcome the hopelessness that I felt. It is amazing how different areas of your life can be impacted, for the better, because of these emotional hardships.
This, of course, does not mean that for the remainder of time I will dodge feelings of anxiety and stress. That would, clearly, not be realistic. But it is a tiny moment of victory. Today, for me, happiness is going through the storm, finding hope, and standing my ground.
My phone alarm rings promptly at 6:00AM, and I drowsily hit the snooze button before snuggling softly back into my pillow. It is the first in-service day to start the school year, and it is depressingly dark out.
The smell of coffee wanders up the stairs, and at around 6:15, I hobble out of bed and follow my nose. I’m dressed in Soffee shorts and a long-sleeved Cape May tee, and my hair is thrown up in a bun.
Downstairs, it is chilly, and I yawn.
I pour a cup of coffee into my Tigger mug and watch as the steam rises from it. Brittany, my roommate, heads down the stairs, already dressed for work.
“Morning, girl,” she says, walking into the kitchen and giving me a sympathetic look.
“Morning,” I croak, giving a half-smile. “Coffee smells so good.”
“Yeah,” she says, pouring coffee from the pot into her commuter mug. “Yeah. I need that first morning sip.” I watch as she (amazingly) drinks it scalding hot. “Oh, yeah.” She licks her lips. “That’s good.”
“Coffee. Good,” I say and laugh before my stomach falls into a pit as I think about the day ahead and all of the unknowns that lie ahead. Starting a new school year is exciting but also nerve-wracking.
Outside, the landscape is draped in gray. It’s the early hours of the morning before the world has woken up, and everything is held together in a sleepy, collective state.
We stand in the kitchen for a few minutes. “Oh, man, I did not sleep well last night. I tossed and turned,” she says through sips of coffee, leaning on the counter.
“Really?” I say, because she usually sleeps pretty well. “I actually was able to fall asleep relatively early. But I had some crazy dreams last night,” I say, and shudder as I hazily begin piecing together the somewhat disturbing remnants of my dream.
It is still cold downstairs, but with the coffee mug in hand and Brittany and I laughing, it seems as though I am momentarily blocked from the constraints of the outside world as we stand in the orange glow of the kitchen.
Brittany grabs a banana, takes another sip of coffee, and wishes me luck for the day before heading out the door. I take a deep breath and trudge up the stairs realizing (oh come on!) that I have to wash my hair, and mentally prepare for the day and for the start of a new year.
Today, happiness is having a small moment of comfort, the calm before the storm: laughing with your roommate and sipping coffee in the kitchen before the sun has risen when the world is still charcoal-gray. Happiness is the fleeting moment of peace before the world demands your attention, when you have a simple, even if temporary, moment of stillness.
It is officially the last day of Summer Vacation. Yes, Summer Vacation is capitalized, in my world, because it should, in fact, be a national holiday. Banks should close in its honor!
As I sit on the couch in the morning drinking coffee from my Harry Potter mug (that changes into the Maurader’s Map once it’s filled with hot coffee! #nerd), I take in the last bit of summer. The weather has already shown signs that fall approaches. To my dismay, small leaves have already begun to fall swiftly onto the deck out back. There is a slight chill in the air.
I head over to the dining room table where my computer sits and log in to Facebook. I scroll through various posts on my Home Page when one post in particular catches my eye.
It is written by a girl with whom I went to college, and in her post, she discusses how she had let the fear of doing something new hold her back from being passionate and happy. Reading her post strikes me. It resonates with me in a way that I want to know more.
Licking my lips, I hesitantly open a new message to contact her. I haven’t spoken to her since college graduation. (Of course, the beauty of Facebook is that, despite our lack of communication, I know how many kids she has and what she has been up to. Not exactly a stranger.) Still, I nervously type out a message, indicating how much her post reminded me of me.
The saying, “If you want to go somewhere you’ve never gone, you have to do something you’ve never done” is swimming through my mind. I could begin another school year still feeling in a rut, and I could choose not to do anything about it, continuing to go through the motions like old hat. Or, I could take a leap of faith, do something I’ve never done, and get to somewhere I’ve never been.
To my delight, she responds almost immediately, and we begin communicating back and forth, comparing our lives and fears and hopes. It’s a good thing I’m on my second (okay third) cup of coffee.
As we talk, she opens my eyes to the possibility of adding a new path to my life. She, also a teacher, has joined a health and fitness company on the side, and it has tremendously changed the way she feels. There are different levels and stages to the company, but it has the chance to add something pretty spectacular to my life and has the potential for growth. Even though I already eat properly and am in good shape, the idea of entering a community of like-minded people, while inspiring others to do the same, is intriguing.
After all, helping and motivating people was what attracted me to teaching, and the idea of joining her in this journey to motivate others suddenly gets my adrenaline going. (It is the equivalent feeling of when Carrie Bradshaw, in the movie Sex and the City, attends fashion week and is instantly brought back to life by fashion models striding down the runway. Yes. It’s like that.)
The possibility of adding a side job to the table is an undertaking, to say the least. It is something that will require me to change my routine and lifestyle. (What do you mean I can’t sit on the couch and watch Bravo anymore!)
If she were saying this to the person I was a year ago, I would have shied away. It is something new that will require work and, as such, is taking a risk. However, if there is one thing I have learned, it is that getting your heart broken strengthens you in ways that you didn’t know were possible. It strips you down until you find what you are made of. The girl I was a year ago is not the girl I am today. She has been tested and molded into something stronger than she had been. She has developed a confidence about herself that did not exist previously. The idea of joining this fitness community is exciting, not scary.
I’m certainly not saying that I’m ready to attempt bungee jumping or other life-threatening experience, like karaoke. But today, happiness is acknowledging that this particular risk would have, at one time, intimidated me. And now, because of the pain and heartache that I went through, instead of running for the hills because it’s new and complex, I’m facing it head on.
It’s the Sunday of Labor Day Weekend. For most teachers in New Jersey, this marks the last weekend of freedom until school begins. (Yes, kids. Teachers dread the first day more than you do. It’s a fact.)
Having my “going down the shore” plans thwarted by rain and chilly weather, I decided to rough it and stay in for the weekend. This means…I need food.
I’m briskly making my way out of my townhouse, and have no sooner closed the front door, when I hear my next-door neighbor Kern, (who always so kindly mows our small space of lawn for my roommate Brittany and me) shout to me, “Where you off to, girl? Better be somewhere fun, like a barbeque.”
A little over a year ago, when we had first moved into the townhouse on this street, I came home to a freshly baked loaf of bread sitting atop our mailbox. On the brown paper bag in which it sat was an inscription of “Welcome to the neighborhood. Linda and Kern.” This was drastically different from the very cold tone of my last apartment’s neighbors.
Kern is a pleasant, middle-aged man who likes to climb trees to take care of necessary yard work. His mother, Linda, and I strike up conversations here and there, and she will both ask me why my car is making that horrible noise and, in addition, bring over a container of her home-made blackberry jam.
I barely have the front door closed as he utters these words. I yank the front door shut, smile, and say, “Well…Wegman’s counts as a barbeque, right?” I grin as I hop down the front porch steps, my keys jingling, and make my way over to our shared driveway.
“Oh, are you going to Wegman’s?” he asks, his eyes widening with hope.
“Yes,” I say. I’m a young, single, professional feeding herself on Labor Day Weekend. Wegmans is exactly where I am going.
“Would you mind picking me up some ears of corn?” he asks, reaching into his pocket, fishing for a few dollars. “I’m having a barbeque for the girlfriend and my mother.”
I brighten. “Of course I don’t mind!” I coo, and mean it, because Kern is always doing nice things for us and, not being very handy, I rarely have the chance to reciprocate. I shoo my hands as he hunts through his pocket. “No, don’t even worry about it.”
He smiles and thanks me, indicates that he needs four ears, and heads back to his backyard where he, no doubt, spends a great deal of time doing yard work.
As I drive to Wegman’s, there are small patches of blue-gray sky, but mostly a thin layer of gray, misty clouds. One giant cloud, in particular, looks rather dark and full of rain, and I stare it down, demanding that it hold onto what it has until after I am safely back in the car with the groceries in the trunk.
Wegman’s, as expected, is a mad house. I can’t even get the small shopping carts that I like. I am forced to wobble around with an extremely large, over-sized shopping cart, which doesn’t come in handy as I am carefully weaving my way through the tight-cornered produce aisles. As I don’t have a family to feed, it seems unnecessary that I have a cart this big when I am getting food for only one person.
I have no idea where the corn is, because I have never bought ears of corn before. I’m not really a “vegetable” person and, besides, the little kernels get stuck in your teeth like mini pieces of floss. It is incredibly inconvenient and I am not cut out for such work.
I veer off to the left and find an entire setup for corn. There are husks massively piled up together, and there are also pre-husked ears of corn tightly packed in Saran-wrap. Surely, I can’t bring home pre-packed corn for them. Isn’t that kind of like cheating?
I venture over to the stalked corn. There are about three women there, examining the
selection. I do my best to pretend that I, too, belong there and, surely, know what I am doing. I take a plastic bag and begin placing in a few ears of corn that look to be of decent size (Actually, I tried to pick ones that were rather large. I mean, come on! He mows our lawn without being asked!) when I notice that all three women are, to an extent, unwrapping each ear of corn, examining it, and then making a decision as to whether they put the ear in their cart or back on the shelf!
Dumbfounded, I stare at the three ears of corn that I have already, irresponsibly, placed
in my plastic bag without examining. I take the fourth ear and attempt to husk it to decide, like Simon Cowell, whether or not this ear of corn is worthy of going into the selective plastic bag.
I can feel the other women’s eyes boring into me, analyzing my every motion, even though they’re probably not paying me any attention at all. But I feel like I am front and center in the spot-light and quickly decide that this looks like an excellent piece of corn (maybe the best piece of corn ever!) before plopping it into the bag with the rest and hurry off to the more familiar, safer section of the apples and bananas.
After I scurry down the aisles, my cart is unimpressively full for the large amount of space it provides, and I quickly head to the check-out counter, where the very nice man annoyingly hums the entire time that he’s ringing up my items. I’m back in my car, the groceries are in the trunk, and the feisty dark cloud from earlier seems to be holding off. In other words, luck is on my side.
Upon getting home, I bring Kern his bag of corn. He is sitting at the table out back. I’ve always been fascinated with their backyard. There are beautiful, purple flowers everywhere, and the trees and leaves make it seem like a wondrous garden when, on many occasions, the sun shines through it.
“Delivery!” I sing as I march to the backyard.
He lights up when I walk back. “Hey, thanks!” he says, and then asks, “how did her hair come out?”
He is referring to my roommate who, earlier today, got her hair done for her cousin’s very sophisticated, elegant wedding happening tonight. They must have had a conversation when she left earlier this morning for the gym. She has, at this time, since left for the wedding.
“Oh, it came out so good!” I say, gesticulating my hands wildly, chopping the air as I say this.
He chuckles “I heard your reaction when she came home but didn’t get a chance to see.” Our windows are open so that the house is graced with a beautiful, beginning-of-fall breeze. Apparently, the neighborhood was also graced with my not-so-quiet reaction. (Although, when she came home from her hair appointment asking what I thought, the first thing I said, at the top of my lungs, was, “Harry Potter is on TV and I’m not changing it!” I stood up as I said this before melting into oohs and ahhs over her up-do.
He smiles again and says, “Thanks for the corn!”
I turn to head back to the car to unload the rest of my groceries. “Absolutely!” I say. “Actually, thank you!” I almost throw in “Thank you for taking care of our lawn!” but decide that throwing that in there would be absurdly random and, instead, continue walking back to my trunk.
Later that night, as I sit downstairs in my townhouse with the windows open, I will smell the crisp, succulent smell of grilled corn. They will light their bonfire, and sparkly lights will glisten from the trees in their backyard, impressively glowing against the blackness of the night. I will hear clinks of laughter exmanating from their backyard. It will look and smell wonderful, and I will feel good knowing that, just next door, my neighbors have caught happiness.
For some, perhaps happiness is having a barbeque with grilled corn while being surrounded by the people you love. For today, for me, happiness is knowing that help is never too far away if you know how to ask for it and that, sometimes, simply being in the presence of happiness is a privilege and that privilege can, certainly, be quite enough.