9/10/17 – Tears and Buffalo Chicken

I awake with a giant pit in my stomach. At first, it’s hard to identify the feeling, as I am still drowsily hovering between the worlds of sleep and awake. Gradually, though, I become more alert, and the feeling comes harshly into focus.

From experience, I’ve learned that when this sadness overtakes me, it is best to get out of bed and get started with the day. I throw back the covers and make my way to use the bathroom and brush my teeth, trying to ignore how much I miss him.

The sadness creeps over me, an invisible force that has wrapped itself around me, and despite my efforts to change the channel in my mind, the feeling lingers.

Still trying to shake the feeling, I head downstairs to put on a pot of coffee, and as I am filling the pot with water, the tears begin to stream. The early morning sun is beginning to flow through the trees. It is a gorgeous Sunday morning and, yet, inside, I am torn apart.

As the coffee begins to brew, I break down. The tears flow freely, and the feelings of hopelessness and loneliness are amplified. I think about how I have had such a good number of days and how I haven’t felt like this for some time.

But I’m only human. It is a victory that the past few days have been so good.

All of a sudden, my phone buzzes, and I wonder who is texting me this early on a Sunday. The mystery of it is a good distraction.i

As I wipe the tears away and get ahold of myself, I pick up my phone. My step-dad has texted my brother, his fianceé, and me, indicating that there is buffalo chicken cooking in the crock pot, and asking whether we would like to come over later for the Eagles game.

All of a sudden, my mood breaks. I heave a sigh of relief as I excitedly text back YES. The coffee pot beeps, and as I pour some into a cup, I realize that this is my joy for the day.

Today, happiness is not being immune to the feeling of missing your ex or wondering why you have to feel the lousy way you do sometimes. These emotions are vital for our own development. To dodge them would be avoiding growing into who we truly are.

Today, for me, happiness is buffalo chicken dip, drinks on the first Football Sunday of the season, and the overwhelmingly comforting feeling of knowing that, no matter what, family will always be there for me.